Some Background...
I collect PG-Rated movies from the 1980’s. Not because they were great… or good, even. Actually, the advent of
newer and cheaper computer-based filmmaking technologies in that decade opened up all the stops on what was to
be, and what will always be remembered as, a ten-year schlock-fest. The high cost of materials, editing, etc. went
away, and more and more theaters were built. This really helped to take a hacksaw to the throttle valve of artistry
and common sense. Anything could make money. And I am not talking about blockbusters like E.T. (I have no
interest in those). I am talking real pieces of steaming garbage.
So why do I collect them?
Well, it has been 20 years since I have seen a lot of the ones I am about to mention, and, man, what can I say? I don’
t think that my life was so horrible, so wretched, so deprived of entertainment of any kind that I would subject
myself to these abominations time and time again, but I seem to remember watching some of these things about a
million times on HBO. I don’t know…
I certainly don’t watch them for “kitsch” value, whatever that is. I don’t smirk to myself and think “Oh, how
superior this time is, right here and right now. I truly weep for those that came before me. Behold: the pinnacle of
perfection – the year 2007”. I like to think I have a more enlightened view of my position in the timeline than that.
Consider it research. Yeah, that’s it… sociological research. After watching a number of these films I have come to
a number of conclusions. Here are a few:
1) Super-lopsided hyper-violence is always the first option to any problem whatsoever (Conan the Destroyer, Karate
Kid – when the skeleton-dudes jump Daniel for some reason)
2) It doesn't matter if you are flagrantly violating the rules, endangering others, or just plain ol’ wreckin’ up the joint
– no one should stop you from doing what you want to do, especially if you were told not to. (Smokey and the
Bandit II, Cannonball Run)
3) The government has amazing and scary technological abilities and can and will disappear you in an instant. Luckily,
at the same time, it is comprised of a bunch of doddering nincompoops that can't seem to do anything right. (Man
With One Red Shoe, Real Genius)
4) Computers are the solution to everything but, in spite of our (or their) best wishes, they are destined to destroy
our lives. (War Games, Electric Dreams)
5) Regardless of how bad your plan is, regardless of the odds, regardless of all that is physically possible or even
remotely reasonable to wish for, you will come out on top if you believe in your cause enough. After all, you’re the
good guy. (Iron Eagle, Secret of My Success, Red Dawn)
But can you imagine a world where the lessons learned from the above 20-year-old PG-Rated (!) movies became
mainstream? What if these ideas became domestic, economic, and foreign policy? Man, what a hoot!
Oh… wait…
The Guidelines
Anyway... Here are the rules I have for my collection. I am free to bend or break them as I see fit. They are my
rules, after all:
- Must be rated PG-13 or under. Not for prudish reasons... This rule is here just for fun. So Conan the
Barbarian is not allowed, but Conan the Destroyer is.
- Cannot be an "award-winning" or "classic" anything. Like I said, I am not interested in box office opinion. So
Xanadu trumps E.T. here.
- Can't have sequels for sequels' sake. This is why Police Academy 2 and Revenge of the Nerds 2 are not
allowed. If it is just an obvious studio money grab and does not serve to, however badly, forward the storyline
then it is right out. (This is why Conan the Destroyer is allowed. But Iron Eagle is, cuz I want it to be)
- Must have been made between 1980 to 1989. Sadly, this eliminates Scavenger Hunt from the collection.
- Must currently be on DVD. I have a tape player, but I refuse to use it. It's 2007, FCOL.
- Must come to you out of the blue. No looking up "bad 1980's movies" for ideas. That's cheating, that is... The
type of movie you remember while at a stop light somewhere or digging through the $5 bin at Wal-Mart and go
"Hey... Wow... Man that was terrible. I really need to see that again." is what should be on the list.
Here is the list. We will add more and more as time rolls on. If you want to add one, send it (text only) and I'll
provide the art and post it... eventually. Enjoy!
The Haikus
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
